Boxing Day

I want to use these so bad right now. Maybe I need to look into boxing classes. I know I can sting like a bee, but the whole float like a butterfly thing might not come so easily.
I'm going to go rent Million Dollar Baby. Maybe that will inspire me...

To Blog, or Not To Blog

When I started Anniefesto, the intention was to chronicle my battle, and subsequent victory, with weight loss. But when I hit that brick wall and the losing turning into gaining, I felt like a failure and basically avoided this place like the plague. It was easy to post cute videos about the kids I nannied for, but sharing the real, honest truth about my life long battle to lose weight was much, much harder.
How do you stand up and say 'I asked you for your support and you gave it to me, but I was not able to succeed'? I so sincerely appreciated your kind and encouraging words, yet even they were not enough to keep me going. Even though my circumstances have improved drastically, I am not able to motivate myself to start all over again. It seems absurd to me that I am still trapped by obesity. Me and Oprah. We are fallen soldiers in the Battle of the Buldge. At least Oprah is still throwing hand grenades. Me, I'm lying in the ditch, accidentally peeing my pants a little bit.
I don't really know what I'm writing about here. I guess I just wanted to share that I am feeling rather lost and confused. I want to keep going, but the road ahead looks bleak. I do NOT want to accept this body as the one I was intended for, but I worry it will be with me until death do us part.
If you have managed to follow my garbled ramblings this far, thank you. I'm not suicidal, I swear, just looking for a little hope on the horizon. I'm tempted to ask you to pray that I would develop a tapeworm or suddenly come down with mono, just to kick start some serious weight loss. But I know that won't do any good (although sleeping for 15 hours a day does not seems so bad to me at the moment). If you do pray, would you ask the Lord to send me a little deliverance, and maybe a spot on the next season of the Biggest Loser.
Thanks for reading :-)

Goodnight kittens, goodnight mittens

I am exhausted. The past 3 weeks I have been more tired than I thought was physically possible. And I have yawned so much that my jaw is beginning to ache (plus, every yawn exposes the new levels my double chin has arrived at, which tends to depress me).
I have 3 theories as to why this is happening:
1) The anit-depressants my doctor put me on must cause extreme fog and exhaustion. There should be a pamphlet or something warning me about the side affects, but he just gave me a months worth of samples and told me not to drink too much the first time I took a pill.
2) It could be because I am approaching day 14 of my period, which was a week late in the first place. I have this 'super fun' thing called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and the best method of controlling it is birth control. But me and 'the pill' are not good friends. My cycle has been more jacked up since I've started on BC (that's what I call it so people don't get the wrong idea and think I'm just a whore :-). It's possible that I am so tired from the blood loss, but the nurse at my office did not seem one bit concerned and told me to call back next week if it's still happening.
3) It's cancer. Basically, I'm 99% certain that one day I will get cancer. Will it be breast, lung, cervical? Who knows. But I have always been afraid of the C word. And it's less about the being sick thing than it is about how I will ever be able to pay for cancer treatment. Thank goodness for corporate health insurance, but I'm sure there will still be hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills to pay one day. And this is the real reason I continue to play the lottery...
That's all I've got for today. My eyes are tearing up from all the yawning and I have to get up and let the dogs out in about 4 1/2 hours, so I should probably try to sleep a little bit while I still can.
Goodnight!

Highland Fling

My sister Eileen left for Scotland yesterday. Actually, right now she's visiting her bestie Erin, who live in Reading, England. That's just outside London, the lucky bitch.
Anyway, Eileen is gone for six months on a mission/outreach trip and I miss her already. It's funny, because I don't know if we have been as close as we once were in the past year or so. We tried living together and that was pretty much a bomb (although, I think I must suck as a roommate b/c it's always pretty much a bomb with me). Maybe we just needed some space?
Well, we've definitely got space now. A whole ocean of space. But, the thing is, she's the one on the other side of the ocean.
I miss Eileen.