To Blog, or Not To Blog

When I started Anniefesto, the intention was to chronicle my battle, and subsequent victory, with weight loss. But when I hit that brick wall and the losing turning into gaining, I felt like a failure and basically avoided this place like the plague. It was easy to post cute videos about the kids I nannied for, but sharing the real, honest truth about my life long battle to lose weight was much, much harder.
How do you stand up and say 'I asked you for your support and you gave it to me, but I was not able to succeed'? I so sincerely appreciated your kind and encouraging words, yet even they were not enough to keep me going. Even though my circumstances have improved drastically, I am not able to motivate myself to start all over again. It seems absurd to me that I am still trapped by obesity. Me and Oprah. We are fallen soldiers in the Battle of the Buldge. At least Oprah is still throwing hand grenades. Me, I'm lying in the ditch, accidentally peeing my pants a little bit.
I don't really know what I'm writing about here. I guess I just wanted to share that I am feeling rather lost and confused. I want to keep going, but the road ahead looks bleak. I do NOT want to accept this body as the one I was intended for, but I worry it will be with me until death do us part.
If you have managed to follow my garbled ramblings this far, thank you. I'm not suicidal, I swear, just looking for a little hope on the horizon. I'm tempted to ask you to pray that I would develop a tapeworm or suddenly come down with mono, just to kick start some serious weight loss. But I know that won't do any good (although sleeping for 15 hours a day does not seems so bad to me at the moment). If you do pray, would you ask the Lord to send me a little deliverance, and maybe a spot on the next season of the Biggest Loser.
Thanks for reading :-)