Boxing Day

I want to use these so bad right now. Maybe I need to look into boxing classes. I know I can sting like a bee, but the whole float like a butterfly thing might not come so easily.
I'm going to go rent Million Dollar Baby. Maybe that will inspire me...

To Blog, or Not To Blog

When I started Anniefesto, the intention was to chronicle my battle, and subsequent victory, with weight loss. But when I hit that brick wall and the losing turning into gaining, I felt like a failure and basically avoided this place like the plague. It was easy to post cute videos about the kids I nannied for, but sharing the real, honest truth about my life long battle to lose weight was much, much harder.
How do you stand up and say 'I asked you for your support and you gave it to me, but I was not able to succeed'? I so sincerely appreciated your kind and encouraging words, yet even they were not enough to keep me going. Even though my circumstances have improved drastically, I am not able to motivate myself to start all over again. It seems absurd to me that I am still trapped by obesity. Me and Oprah. We are fallen soldiers in the Battle of the Buldge. At least Oprah is still throwing hand grenades. Me, I'm lying in the ditch, accidentally peeing my pants a little bit.
I don't really know what I'm writing about here. I guess I just wanted to share that I am feeling rather lost and confused. I want to keep going, but the road ahead looks bleak. I do NOT want to accept this body as the one I was intended for, but I worry it will be with me until death do us part.
If you have managed to follow my garbled ramblings this far, thank you. I'm not suicidal, I swear, just looking for a little hope on the horizon. I'm tempted to ask you to pray that I would develop a tapeworm or suddenly come down with mono, just to kick start some serious weight loss. But I know that won't do any good (although sleeping for 15 hours a day does not seems so bad to me at the moment). If you do pray, would you ask the Lord to send me a little deliverance, and maybe a spot on the next season of the Biggest Loser.
Thanks for reading :-)

Goodnight kittens, goodnight mittens

I am exhausted. The past 3 weeks I have been more tired than I thought was physically possible. And I have yawned so much that my jaw is beginning to ache (plus, every yawn exposes the new levels my double chin has arrived at, which tends to depress me).
I have 3 theories as to why this is happening:
1) The anit-depressants my doctor put me on must cause extreme fog and exhaustion. There should be a pamphlet or something warning me about the side affects, but he just gave me a months worth of samples and told me not to drink too much the first time I took a pill.
2) It could be because I am approaching day 14 of my period, which was a week late in the first place. I have this 'super fun' thing called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and the best method of controlling it is birth control. But me and 'the pill' are not good friends. My cycle has been more jacked up since I've started on BC (that's what I call it so people don't get the wrong idea and think I'm just a whore :-). It's possible that I am so tired from the blood loss, but the nurse at my office did not seem one bit concerned and told me to call back next week if it's still happening.
3) It's cancer. Basically, I'm 99% certain that one day I will get cancer. Will it be breast, lung, cervical? Who knows. But I have always been afraid of the C word. And it's less about the being sick thing than it is about how I will ever be able to pay for cancer treatment. Thank goodness for corporate health insurance, but I'm sure there will still be hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills to pay one day. And this is the real reason I continue to play the lottery...
That's all I've got for today. My eyes are tearing up from all the yawning and I have to get up and let the dogs out in about 4 1/2 hours, so I should probably try to sleep a little bit while I still can.
Goodnight!

Highland Fling

My sister Eileen left for Scotland yesterday. Actually, right now she's visiting her bestie Erin, who live in Reading, England. That's just outside London, the lucky bitch.
Anyway, Eileen is gone for six months on a mission/outreach trip and I miss her already. It's funny, because I don't know if we have been as close as we once were in the past year or so. We tried living together and that was pretty much a bomb (although, I think I must suck as a roommate b/c it's always pretty much a bomb with me). Maybe we just needed some space?
Well, we've definitely got space now. A whole ocean of space. But, the thing is, she's the one on the other side of the ocean.
I miss Eileen.

Home Alone

In case you didn't know by now, I have a pretty sweet deal as far as living arrangements go. I live in a small, garage apartment attached to a anything but small, Clayton mansion. For free. My rent is paid by dogsitting/housesitting when my 'landlords' are out of town. They are unbelievably nice people, too. And they are French, which I just love about them.
I dogsit all the time. I stay at other people's houses and it rarely bothers me, perhaps because there is usually a dog sleeping somewhere close to alert me to danger if need be. But for some reason, when I am staying in my own apartment while my 'landlords' are out of town, I get really freaked out.
Maybe it's because their house is so large that I am pretty sure most burglars would love to get inside (were it not for the super terrific security system they have). Maybe it's because there is so much land on their property that I'm not sure I could outrun a rapist without getting really tired. Maybe it's because my imagination is incredibly overactive and has always worked against me late at night (i.e. slept in my little sister's room for 3 months when I was THIRTEEN after I saw Jurassic Park b/c I was worried a T-Rex was going to give me the creepy eye stare through my window; slept with a knife sharpener under my pillow for the good part of a year after I saw Buffy, the Vampire Slayer movie; Continually had bad dreams about a Land Shark being under my bed, well into my college years.)
So the moral of the story is, I'm a little freaked out when I have to stay here alone. Not that I ever have overnight guests, just when I realize that an alarm system will alert the police, but might not stop a bullet from piercing my brain if they don't get here in time.
Wow, now I'm really starting to freak myself out. Time for a little Gilmore Girl's marathon. That usually chases the monsters away long enough for me to fall asleep.

Long Lost

I didn't have much to say again today, so I thought I'd post some more pictures. These are pictures of people I miss. People I really enjoy being with who, for one reason or another, I rarely see anymore. Obviously I am in all of these pictures, and you'll probably notice that my sister Eileen is in a few as well. I don't really miss Eileen, but she is going to Scotland next year and I'll probably be sad about that then, so I'm alright with her being in the pics. Also, how skinny am I in these shots?! Looks like I need to get my huge ass back to Weight Watchers sometime soon.
Anyway, allow me to introduce you to:


Jenny - I've known Jenny since 6th grade. We both played the clarinet in band, and while I was obviously the one with a 'gift', Jenny is the one who is currently a full time musician. Jenny & her husband Greg are expecting a baby girl early next year and I cannot wait to meet her. Mostly, I am excited to tell 'Baby Girl Stokes' about her mom's first boyfriend, why she should never give up reading music and about how fantastic her Grandma Stokes was.



Corrine & Leah - I met Corrine and Leah at almost the exact same time, back when they were in sophomores in high school and I was their Young Life leader. Turns out, I was a pretty terrible leader, because once these girls went off to college I lost track of them. Don't get me wrong, I have Facebook stalked them for years, but I wish I had been better at keeping up with these ladies. They made me laugh like you would not believe and I feel very grateful for the time I got to spend with them.



Jessica 'Rups' Lang - Technically she's a Gewinner, not a Lang, but I will always think of her as Jessi. This picture pretty much captures the spirit of my lovely friend. She is always getting between me and my sister....
Anyway, I met Jessi on a bus at a Young Life camp. She was skinnier than a malnourished Somalian, sillier than a clown smoking weed and soon became one of my very best friends. Jessi & her lover Kurt live in Colorado now (or 'Rado, as the cool kids call it). I think this is stupid and plan on luring her back with stolen bagels and some of my old bras (Jessi thinks they are hats). She is the easiest person to love that I have ever met. Also, her dad is smoking hot!




Ashley (aka Iesha) - While Ashley may live in Canada, she is the heart of Webster Groves to me. Once Ash got married, she stopped loving the smell of her own farts, but that was probably a good thing since she now lives with her husband and 2 sons. Sometimes I cannot believe my friends are parents, but not so with Ashley. She was born to be a mama and if she couldn't have kids, she's probably push a stroller around with a baby doll in it. And it wouldn't be weird (to me), because Ashley could totally rock that look. I miss her and sometimes when people talk about Canada, I get pissed because it stole her away from me. Stupid America Junior...